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Queen mary hospital in the 1960,1980,2000

Queen mary hospital in the 1960, 1980, 2000 m33NN
the diagrams illustrate a variety of alterations in the Queen Mary Hospital in 1980 and 2000, since it was built in the year 1960. Looking from an overall perspective, it is conspicuous that there were a spectacular developments, except the main building of the hospital other buildings were demolished, some of them were modernized. As can be seen when it was erected there was a shopping centre which had been demolished to make a way for two new blocks: Cancer center and pharmacy. It should be noted that the hospital and pharmacy remained relatively the same in the past 4 decades. Furthermore, the farmland was converted into a nursing school. In additio, the car park, located nearby the hospital and that remained stable in the 1960s and 1980s, nevertheless, was reduced in size by the 2000s. Moreover, it is apparently seen that the cancer center extended to cover entire nursing school in the year 2000
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
diagrams illustrate a variety of alterations in the Queen Mary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Hospital
in 1980 and 2000, since it
was built
in the year 1960.

Looking from an
overall
perspective, it is conspicuous that there were a spectacular
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "development"?
developments
, except the main building of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
other buildings
were demolished
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
were modernized
.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
when it
was erected
there was a shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
which had
been demolished
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a way for two new blocks: Cancer center and pharmacy. It should
be noted
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and pharmacy remained
relatively
the same in the past 4 decades.

Furthermore
, the farmland
was converted
into a nursing school. In
Possible spelling mistake found.
additio
, the car park, located nearby the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and that remained stable in the 1960s and 1980s,
nevertheless
, was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
in size by the 2000s.
Moreover
, it is
apparently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the cancer center extended to cover entire nursing school in the year 2000
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IELTS academic Queen mary hospital in the 1960, 1980, 2000

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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