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Pie chart, table, gardutes and type of employments

Pie chart, table, gardutes and type of employments wOK5l
The pie chart illustratesthe proportion of destination of anthology graduates from one university, and the table shows the various range of salaries that they earned after 5 year's work. Overall, it is clear that most of them engage with full time work, also most of  employment who are involved in government sector obtained more than $ 100000 in this period. First, as can be seen from the pie chart, full time work occupied a significant percentage of just over a half of shares (52%), which is three times that part time work. While, a tiny proportion of the whole graduates (5%) is taken up by both part time work alongside post graduate study, which is 7% less than unemployed (12%). Moreover, the share who are engaged in full time postgard study as well as not known is the same (8%), which the whole of them is roughly equal the percentage of part time work (%15). Besides, the most people who are opted the government sector along with freelance consultants (above the three quarter of the share) have more than $75000 income, while just 55% of society who are hired in private companies have this amount. Furthermore, most crowd in private company (over a third of the share)have more than $50000 revenue which twice that governor sector and freelance consultants. Graduates in the field of private companies, similarly, are a tenth of their shares which is 5% more than other type of employments.
The pie chart
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illustratesthe
proportion of destination of anthology
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graduates
from one university, and the table
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the various range of salaries that they earned after 5
Incorrect singular possessive form after the number (5). Did you mean "years" or "years'"?
year's
work.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that most of them engage with full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
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work
,
also
Consider using "most employment" or "most of the employment".
most of  employment
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who
are involved
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sector obtained more than
The currency mark is usually written without any whitespace: "$100000".
$ 100000
in this period.

First
, as can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the pie chart, full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
occupied a significant percentage of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over a half of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shares
(52%), which is three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
that part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. While, a tiny proportion of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
(5%)
is taken
up by both part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
alongside post
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
study, which is 7% less than unemployed (12%).
Moreover
, the
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share
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are engaged
in full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgard
study
as well
as not known is the same (8%), which the whole of them is roughly equal the percentage of part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
(%15).

Besides
, the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are opted
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sector along with freelance consultants (above the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
three quarter
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
share)
have more than $75000 income, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
55% of society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are hired
in private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have this amount.
Furthermore
, most crowd in private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
(over a third of the share)have more than $50000 revenue which twice that governor sector and freelance consultants.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Graduates
in the field of private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
similarly
, are a tenth of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shares
which is 5% more than other type of employments.
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IELTS academic Pie chart, table, gardutes and type of employments

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
242 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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