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pie chart of the results of a survey into the popularity of various leisure activities

pie chart of the results of a survey into the popularity of various leisure activities EwAmB
Two given pie charts concerning leisure activities among all European adults between 1985 to 1995, illustrates a number of fluctuations. It is apparent that playing video games has had lots of effects on European youngsters, this pie chart compares specific sectors, examining whether alters are being occurred or not. Mainly, results given by the survey, gathered information surrounding casual activities, the biggest event which is obviously apparent is the popularity of playing video games between people of this nation in a mere time of 10 years, because an exponential increase of 27 percent was being created during this period. Furthermore, the percentage of hang out time of this nation with their friends or even individually, has been dramatically plummeted about 15 percent although since 1985, the range of TV enthusiastic popularity is been moderate considering a negligible 2percent decrease. Except all decreases, a significant upward of 6 percent is existed according to the mount of time people spend on friendship, reversely taking time with families had a substantial shrinkage of 11 percent! on the conclusion, this particular survey brought us important information which is going to concern government based on the rocket increase of time spent in front of computers playing video games and dramatic decline of family time and even eating out, whatever whatching TV in on a moderate flow of population.
Two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie charts concerning leisure activities among all European adults
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1985 and 1995".
between 1985 to 1995
, illustrates a number of fluctuations. It is apparent that playing video games has had lots of effects on European youngsters, this pie chart compares specific sectors, examining whether alters are
being occurred
or not.
Mainly
, results
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the survey, gathered information surrounding casual activities, the biggest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
which is
obviously
apparent is the popularity of playing video games between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of this nation in a mere
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of 10 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an exponential increase of 27
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
was
being created
during this period.
Furthermore
, the percentage of hang out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of this nation with their friends or even
individually
, has been
dramatically
plummeted about 15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
although since 1985, the range of TV enthusiastic popularity
is been
moderate considering a negligible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
2percent
decrease. Except all decreases, a significant upward of 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
is existed
according to the mount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend on friendship,
reversely
taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with families had a substantial shrinkage of 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
!
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the conclusion, this particular survey brought us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
information which is going to concern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
based on the rocket increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent in front of computers playing video games and dramatic decline of family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and even eating out, whatever
Possible spelling mistake found.
whatching
TV in on a moderate flow of population.

IELTS academic pie chart of the results of a survey into the popularity of various leisure activities

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
223 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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