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pie chart expenditure on household items of japan and malaysia

pie chart expenditure on household items of japan and malaysia Nwkey
The pie chart illustrate the average money spent on household in Japan and Malaysia for the year 2010. Overall, it can be seen that both the countries spent least on the health care sector. japan spent the most on other goods and services and in Malaysia the highest expenditure was in the sector on housing. the Japanese have spent 29% on the other good and services which is slightly more than what Malaysia spent, which is 26%. japan has also spent more on that Malaysia in the sector of transport, which is double than that of Malaysia. So is the case with healthcare, where japan has spent 6% and Malaysia has spent the half of it. In case of housing, Malaysia exceeds the expenditure by 13% than Japan and for food Malaysia spent 27 % which is slightly more than what japan has spent.
The pie chart illustrate the average money
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spent
on household in
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Japan
and Malaysia for the year 2010.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that both the countries
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spent
least on the health care sector.
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japan
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spent
the most on other
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goods
and services and in Malaysia the highest expenditure was in the sector on housing.

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the
Japanese have
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spent
29% on the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and services which is
slightly
more than what Malaysia
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spent
, which is 26%.
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japan
has
also
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spent
more on that Malaysia in the sector of transport, which is double than that of Malaysia.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
is the case with healthcare, where
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japan
has
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spent
6% and Malaysia has
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spent
the half of it.

In case of housing, Malaysia exceeds the expenditure by 13% than
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Japan
and for food Malaysia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
27 % which is
slightly
more than what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
japan
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
.
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IELTS academic pie chart expenditure on household items of japan and malaysia

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
144 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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