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percentages of Australian men an women

percentages of Australian men an women PRRQX
The bar chart illustrates the rates of males and females in Australia by the age group that did the physical activity in 2010. Overall, men had an upward trend, while women showed a downward trend though the first group of age. Both of them who did the exercises had fluctuations. Although women had a lower rate, it beat male at the last group age. Male has the highest percentages of 52. 8% at the the group age of 15 to 24. Also this is the peak for them. Then in the group of 25 to 34 it had decreased at the percentages with 42. 2%. Moreover, in the group of 35 to 44 they had 39. 5% as the percentages and this hitting the lower point. However, for the group of 45 to 54 it increased with the percentage of 43, 1%. In the next group of 55 to 64 they get 45. 1% as the rate. Also, there is a rise in the percentages with 48. 7% in groups of 65 and over. The percentages of women at the first group age which is 15 to 24 hit 47. 3%, it increased in the next group or in 25 to 34 with the percentages of 48. 9%. Furthermore, In the group of 35 to 44 it grew sharply with 52. 5%. Also, group of 45 to 54 has the highest rate for women, 53. 3% as the rate of it. However, groups of 55 to 64 had a little fall and had a percentage of 53%. The last group for women is 65 and over with the percentages of 47. 1%, it is the lowest number for them.
The bar chart illustrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of males and females in Australia by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
that did the physical activity in 2010.

Overall
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
had an upward trend, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a downward trend though the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. Both of them who did the exercises had fluctuations. Although
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women
had a lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
, it beat male at the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
age.

Male has the highest
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percentages
of 52. 8% at
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
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group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 15 to 24.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
this is the peak for them. Then in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 25 to 34 it had decreased at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
with 42. 2%.
Moreover
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 35 to 44 they had 39. 5% as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
and this hitting the lower point.
However
, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 45 to 54 it increased with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of 43, 1%. In the
next
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group
of 55 to 64 they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
45. 1% as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
Also
, there is a rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
with 48. 7% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
of 65 and over.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
at the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
which is 15 to 24 hit 47. 3%, it increased in the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
or in 25 to 34 with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of 48. 9%.
Furthermore
, In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 35 to 44 it grew
sharply
with 52. 5%.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 45 to 54 has the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, 53. 3% as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of it.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
of 55 to 64 had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
fall and had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of 53%. The last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is 65 and over with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of 47. 1%, it is the lowest number for them.
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IELTS academic percentages of Australian men an women

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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