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PERCENTAGE OF WATER USED FOR DIFFERENT PURPOSES IN SIX AREAS OF THE WOLD

PERCENTAGE OF WATER USED FOR DIFFERENT PURPOSES IN SIX AREAS OF THE WOLD aEMN9
The given pie charts present the proportion of water consumption for industrial sector, agricultural sector and domestic sector in six major counties in the world. Overall, Agricultural sector has highest proportion of water usage except North America and Europe however, North America and Europe were used highest water proportion on industrial sector. In contrast, the domestic sector has lowest proportion of water usage. The Agricultural sector has used significantly the highest proportion in Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia, which were at about 84%, 88% and 81% respectively. On the other hand, domestic water usage in Central Asia and South east Asia remained the same, at about 7%, while the Africa was at just about 9%. Industrial usage was significantly greater than Africa and central Asia, that was at 12%. The charts can be seen that, those three countries have shown similar fashion. Water usage of industrial sector have presented the significant highest than South America, those were at about 48% and 53% respectively But, south America was at 10% of water usage. These three countries have shown just around 15% of Domestic water consume. Water usage of south America was higher than North America and Europe, which was at just over 70%.
The
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given
pie charts present the
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proportion
of
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water
consumption for
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industrial
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sector
, agricultural
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sector
and
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domestic
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sector
in six major counties in the world.

Overall
, Agricultural
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sector
has
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highest
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proportion
of
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water
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usage
except North America and Europe
however
, North America and Europe were
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used
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
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water
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proportion
on
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industrial
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sector
.
In contrast
, the
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domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
has
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
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proportion
of
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water
usage.

The Agricultural
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sector
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
significantly
the highest
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proportion
in Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia, which were at about 84%, 88% and 81%
respectively
.
On the other hand
,
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domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
in Central Asia and South
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
east Asia
remained the same, at about 7%, while the Africa was at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about 9%.
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Industrial
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usage
was
significantly
greater than Africa and
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
central Asia
, that was at 12%. The charts can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that, those three countries have shown similar fashion.

Water
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usage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
have presented the significant
Use "higher" to make a comparison with this adjective.
highest
than South America, those were at about 48% and 53%
respectively
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But
,
Capitalize specific, well-defined geographical regions: "South America"
south America
was at 10% of
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water
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usage
. These three countries have shown
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just
around 15% of
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Domestic
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water
consume.
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Water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of
Capitalize specific, well-defined geographical regions: "South America"
south America
was higher than North America and Europe, which was at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 70%.
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IELTS academic PERCENTAGE OF WATER USED FOR DIFFERENT PURPOSES IN SIX AREAS OF THE WOLD

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
204 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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