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percentage of water used by different sectors in sydney

percentage of water used by different sectors in sydney WqnEe
The charts illustrates the percentage of water which is used for various fields in Sydney, Australia in 2 years: 1997 and 2007 Overall, it is evident that the highest proportion of water usage was the food industry, while the lowest figure belonged the construction sector in both 2 years Food industry declined significantly from 48% in the first year to 41% of water usage in a decade later. Similar with building industry and service industry, which are witnessed a downward trend from 5% to 2% and from 15% to 11% respectively. In contrast, water used by households took up 13% of the total data in the year 1997 and rose sharply almost 2 times to reach 25% in the final year observed. The remain sector was manufacturing, which went up marginally from 19% in 1997 to 21% in 2007.
The charts
You should probably use "illustrate".
illustrates
the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for various fields in Sydney, Australia in 2 years: 1997 and 2007

Overall
, it is evident that the highest proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage was the food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
, while the lowest figure belonged the construction sector in both 2 years

Food
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industry
declined
significantly
from 48% in the
first
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year
to 41% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage in a decade later. Similar with building
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industry
and service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
, which
are witnessed
a downward trend from 5% to 2% and from 15% to 11%
respectively
.

In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by households took up 13% of the total data in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1997 and rose
sharply
almost 2 times to reach 25% in the final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
observed.
After 'The', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'remain' is correct. If 'remain' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
The remain
sector was manufacturing, which went up
marginally
from 19% in 1997 to 21% in 2007.
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IELTS academic percentage of water used by different sectors in sydney

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
139 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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