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Percentage of time-consuming on the internet

Percentage of time-consuming on the internet aqAWd
This pie chart demonstrates the number of activities which are done via the Internet in two different groups regarding their ages, that is 18-26 and 60-70 age group. In the young group, the highest percentage goes to social networking and the least one is for booking cinema or travel for instance. In contrast, A large amount of wifi using in the elder group is for making bookings and second to that is for researching information. As it is the obvious, age group of 60-70 only uses 6% of the internet to play games which are about a third of age 18-26. Surprisingly, the youth spend about third times more on social networks that are 24%. In addition, The older group slightly do more purchases and less accessing music or films via the internet. In general, except for the research, booking, and purchases (26%, 29%, and 14% respectively) in all other fields older group spend less time on the internet.
This pie chart demonstrates the number of activities which
are done
via the Internet in two
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different
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groups
regarding their
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ages
,
that is
18-26 and 60-70
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age
group.

In the young
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group
, the highest percentage goes to social networking and the least one is for booking cinema or travel
for instance
.
In contrast
, A large amount of
Did you mean "Wi-Fi"? (This is the officially approved term by the Wi-Fi Alliance.)
wifi
using in the elder
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group
is for making bookings and second to
that is
for researching information. As it is the obvious,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 60-70
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
6% of the internet to play games which are about a third of
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age
18-26.
Surprisingly
, the youth spend about third times more on social networks that are 24%.
In addition
, The older
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group
slightly
do more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
and less accessing music or films via the internet.

In general
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the research, booking, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
(26%, 29%, and 14%
respectively
) in all other fields older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
spend less time on the internet.

IELTS academic Percentage of time-consuming on the internet

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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