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percentage of people buying Pop, Rock and Classical music

percentage of people buying Pop, Rock and Classical music dr2EE
the graph show the percentage of obtained music albums by British people that are categorized by gender, age and types of music. Overall, in Britain most of the buying albums are Rock and pop music that are popular between males and young people. on the other hand, classical music is admired by elders. looking at gender, British males by Rock and pop albums the most that around 30% and percentage of classical album buying by male gender in Britain is almost 10%. Although female purchase music album is in less amount that theme. Pop music, rock and Classic music album percentage buying by this gender is almost 20%, 15% and 10% respectively. According to ages, graphs show 4 different age groups that teenagers adults or elder one. Buying pop music between 14*24 years old people reached 30%. Although the amount of buying of Rock music slightly increase. On the other hand, in Classic music data, most buyers are older people that are more than 45 that reached 20% and other groups can't even reach 15%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
graph
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "shows".
show
the percentage of obtained
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music
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albums
by British
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people
that
are categorized
by gender, age and types of
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music
.
Overall
, in Britain most of the
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buying
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albums
are
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Rock
and pop
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music
that are popular between males and young
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people
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the other hand, classical
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music
is admired
by elders.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
looking
at gender, British males by
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Rock
and pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
the most that around 30% and percentage of classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
album
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
by male gender in Britain is almost 10%. Although female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
album
is in less amount that theme. Pop
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music
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
and Classic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
album
percentage
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buying
by this gender is almost 20%, 15% and 10%
respectively
. According to ages, graphs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
4
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different
age groups that
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teenagers
adults or elder one.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Buying
pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
between
Replace by the typographical symbol.
14*24
years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reached 30%.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
slightly
increase.
On the other hand
, in Classic
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music
data, most buyers are older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that are more than 45 that reached 20% and other groups can't even reach 15%.
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IELTS academic percentage of people buying Pop, Rock and Classical music

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
175 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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