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People who immigrate to other countries and their challenges according to their age

People who immigrate to other countries and their challenges according to their age 3YlxX
The chart shows information about people who immigrate to other countries and challenges they face according to their age. Sorting out finance is the greatest problem for people aged between 18-34, it considers about 34 percent of people in their age group. Despite the fact that almost 35 percent of people aged between 35 to 54 wrestle with finances, sorting out healthcare is the most problematic for middle- aged group. Sorting out healthcare is the most challenging issue for people over 55 l. It considered about 37 percent of them. In contrast to the healthcare challenges for oldest group, less than 5 percent of them have trouble with finding schools. Only 6 percent of young people count finding schools a difficulty, whereas the number is about 20 percent for people aged 34 to 54. In principle, healthcare issues and sorting out finance are the most challenging problems for people who go to live in other countries in all age groups furthermore as people get older, sorting out healthcare becomes more important than other issues
The chart
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shows
information about
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people
who immigrate to other countries and challenges they face according to their age.
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Sorting
out finance is the greatest problem for
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people
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aged
between 18-34, it
Did you mean simply "considers 34"? You do not need the word "about" here.
considers about 34
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percent
of
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people
in their age
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group
. Despite the fact that almost 35
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percent
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 35 and 54".
between 35 to 54
Possible agreement error. The noun 'wrestle' seems to be countable, so consider using: "wrestles".
wrestle
with finances,
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sorting
out healthcare is the most problematic for middle-
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aged
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group
.
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Sorting
out healthcare is the most challenging issue for
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people
over 55 l. It
Did you mean simply "considered 37"? You do not need the word "about" here.
considered about 37
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percent
of them.
In contrast
to the healthcare challenges for oldest
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group
, less than 5
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percent
of them have trouble with finding schools.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
6
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percent
of young
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people
count finding schools a difficulty, whereas the number is about 20
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percent
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
34 to 54. In principle, healthcare issues and
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sorting
out finance are the most challenging problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who go to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in other countries in all age
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groups
furthermore
as
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older,
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sorting
out healthcare becomes more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than other
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
issues
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IELTS academic People who immigrate to other countries and their challenges according to their age

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
173 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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