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Olympic from 1924 to 2012

Olympic from 1924 to 2012 yPx8E
The bar graph and the line graph illustrate the change in the participants from two genders joining the Olympic from 1924 to 2012. Both graphs inform that there is a significant increase in the number of the athletes participating the Olympics since it begins. From the line graph, the number of participants rose steadily since the beginning. From 1984 until 2012, there was a jump for athletes entering this international sport competition. In 2012, more than 10000 participants join this game. Meanwhile the bar graph also demonstrates the number of athletes divided into female and male since 1924. Both genders rose increasingly from the beginning. From 3000 to almost 6000 is the number of male athletes. Since the beginning, there was few female contestants, which was lower than 1000. However, the number of women climbed rapidly in 2012, which is almost 5000 athletes. Consequently, both statistics inform us that there is a huge shift in the number of participants. Particularly, the women contestants is almost same as men.
The bar
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graph
and the line
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graph
illustrate the
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change
in the
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participants
from two genders joining the Olympic from 1924 to 2012.

Both
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graphs
inform that there is a significant increase in the
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number
of the
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athletes
participating the Olympics since it
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begins
.

From the line
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graph
, the
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number
of
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participants
rose
steadily
since the beginning. From 1984 until 2012, there was a jump for
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athletes
entering this international sport competition. In 2012, more than 10000
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participants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
this game.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
the bar
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graph
also
demonstrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
divided into female and male since 1924. Both genders rose
increasingly
from the beginning. From 3000 to almost 6000 is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. Since the beginning, there was few female contestants, which was lower than 1000.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of women climbed
rapidly
in 2012, which is almost 5000 athletes.

Consequently
, both statistics inform us that there is a huge shift in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participants
.
Particularly
, the women contestants is almost same as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
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IELTS academic Olympic from 1924 to 2012

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
168 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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