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%of Australian men and women in doing physical activity

%of Australian men and women in doing physical activity joonM
This bar graph illustrates the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. In an overview, though young ladies are interested towards practising physical exercises, they loose their concern when age increases and men show more concern in doing physical activities. However, they participate more equally during their old age. It is clear from the graph that, 52. 8% of the women who belongs to 15 to 24 age group do regular physical activity while, only 47. 7% the men do the same. As the graph illustrates the women's physical activity rate has a gradual decrease when we compare 25-34 and 35-44 age groups. The men of the same age group are really concern about their practices. However, almost 43-1 % of women do their physical exercises in their mid 50 ages, while 53. 3% men do their daily workout. When we compare women above 45 years there is a substantial growth in the rate of regular physical activities while, the men in the same age group slightly loose their interest in doing physical activity. Finally, during their 65 above livelihood both men and women show equal interest in doing physical activities.
This bar graph illustrates the percentage of Australian
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men
and
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women
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
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groups
who did regular
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physical
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activity
in 2010.

In an overview, though young ladies
are interested
towards
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
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physical
exercises, they
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
their concern when
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age
increases and
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men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more concern in doing
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physical
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activities
.
However
, they participate more
equally
during their
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old
age.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the graph that, 52. 8% of the
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women
who belongs to 15 to 24
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
do regular
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physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
while,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
47. 7% the
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men
do the same. As the graph illustrates the women's
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physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
rate has a gradual decrease when we compare 25-34 and 35-44
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age
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groups
. The
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men
of the same
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age
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group
are
really
concern about their practices.

However
, almost 43-1 % of
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women
do their
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physical
exercises in their mid 50
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ages
, while 53. 3%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
do their daily workout. When we compare
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women
above 45 years there is a substantial growth in the rate of regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
while, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the same
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age
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group
slightly
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
their interest in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Finally
, during their 65 above livelihood both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
equal interest in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
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IELTS academic %of Australian men and women in doing physical activity

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
201 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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