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Number of days lost due to on the job injuries per worker

Number of days lost due to on the job injuries per worker XlB5g
The graph represents the number of days lost due to injury per worker of three countries with three time periods, beginning with the year 1991 and ending in 2005. The country with the least injuries in Germany whereas, China number of injuries is just 4 times of Germany. America and Korea were rising parallel from the beginning till the end. While Brazil was second topmost with undefine outcome every 5 years. China's proposition of the second to the third period steadily decreases as compared to the first period. Meanwhile, Germany declined slowly, and injuries record under 2. 5 units. Only of 2 countries, the first period was more than other periods, namely Germany and Brazil, and the third period was only highest in China amongst the first and second period. In conclusion, overall, Germany was the lowest in injured workers, in contrast, China was the highest.
The graph represents the number of days lost due to
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injury
per worker of three countries with three time
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periods
, beginning with the year 1991 and ending in 2005.

The country with the least
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injuries
in Germany whereas, China number of
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injuries
is
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just
4 times of Germany. America and Korea were rising parallel from the beginning till the
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end
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
Brazil was second topmost with
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undefine
outcome every 5 years. China's proposition of the second to the third
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period
steadily
decreases as compared to the
first
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period
. Meanwhile, Germany declined
slowly
, and
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injuries
record under 2. 5 units.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
of 2 countries, the
first
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period
was more than other
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periods
,
namely
Germany and Brazil, and the third
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period
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
highest in China amongst the
first
and second period.

In conclusion
,
overall
, Germany was the lowest in injured workers,
in contrast
, China was the highest.
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IELTS academic Number of days lost due to on the job injuries per worker

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
146 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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