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Number of computers sold by two different shops

Number of computers sold by two different shops gxLjL
The given chart bar compares the proportion of sales in two various computer's store in four month of year. It is clear from  chart that over the four month the number of computers which sold in shop A dramatically increased whereas about shop B this issue was inverse and selling in shop B slightly declined. In April the figure of sales in shop B was 40 that which almost was two times greater than that of shop A, the trend of selling in May rose in both of them therefore in shop A the amount from 20 reached to 30 and in case B rose by 45. There were twice as many computers which sold in June as in May and a quadruple increase from May to July in shops, shop B in comparison with shop A not only increased also it had a decrease from 45 to 40 and 35 in June and July respectively.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chart bar compares the proportion of sales in two various
Possible agreement error. The noun 'computer' seems to be countable, so consider using: "computers".
computer
's store in four
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
of year.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
chart that over the four month the number of computers which sold in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
A
dramatically
increased whereas about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
B this issue was inverse and selling in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
B
slightly
declined.

In April the figure of sales in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
B was 40 that which almost was two times greater than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
A, the trend of selling in May rose in both of them
therefore
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "A" or "the" is left.
A the
amount from 20 reached to 30 and in case B rose by 45.

There were twice as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
computers which sold in June as in May and a quadruple increase from May to July in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
B
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
A not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increased
also
it had a decrease from 45 to 40 and 35 in June and July
respectively
.
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IELTS academic Number of computers sold by two different shops

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
156 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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