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Many adults nowadays refuse to work for the government and choose private enterprises. Why? What consequences does it lead to?

Many adults nowadays refuse to work for the government and choose private enterprises. Why? What consequences does it lead to? ldKPJ
One the one hand, refusing to work for the government and choosing private enterprises are becoming the trend that many adults are aiming for due to their financial stability. To be more specific, it is obvious that instead of working for the government for a long period for a pitiful salary, numerous young generations prefer to work for private companies with high income. Moreover, investing a huge amount of time for governments not only takes their time but also pays many types of taxes. As a result, the avoidance of the issue of paying employees' salaries are widely regarded as a challenge for individuals in applying for jobs. More specifically, in order to get prestigious incomes, working for a bank should be a top priority due to the balance in the finance division. Besides, the stagnation in the allocation of salaries and bonus is inevitable when each individual has accepted to work for the private enterprise because of the non-binding aspects.
Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, refusing to work for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and choosing private enterprises are becoming the trend that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults are aiming for due to their financial stability. To be more specific, it is obvious that
instead
of working for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
for a long period for a pitiful salary, numerous young generations prefer to work for private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with high income.
Moreover
, investing a huge amount of time for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
takes their time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
pays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of taxes.

As a result
, the avoidance of the issue of paying employees' salaries are
widely
regarded as a challenge for individuals in applying for jobs. More
specifically
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
prestigious incomes, working for a bank should be a top priority due to the balance in the finance division.
Besides
, the stagnation in the allocation of salaries and bonus is inevitable when each individual has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
to work for the private enterprise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the non-binding aspects.
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IELTS academic Many adults nowadays refuse to work for the government and choose private enterprises. Why? What consequences does it lead to?

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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