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Line graph below shows information about uk students during 3 years

Line graph below shows information about uk students during 3 years 7ana5
Given is a line graph demonstrates data on the quantity of students who dwelled on as well as studied in the Uk 3 years onwards. It can be seen apparently that the percentage of students who were at the age of 12 illustrated the highest, whereas the rate of adults who were around 20 had the lowest number during the provided years. Turning to details, at the beginning of the period those who were at their mid age reached the peak even though during the next year the percent of the mentioned age group decreased. As for those who were at their age of 18 depicted the significant increase despite of the lowest rate indicated a year ago.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
is a line graph demonstrates data on the quantity of students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "dwelt", the past tense form of the verb 'dwell'?
dwelled
on
as well
as studied in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Uk
3 years onwards. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
apparently
that the percentage of students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 12 illustrated the highest, whereas the rate of adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were around 20 had the lowest number during the provided years. Turning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, at the beginning of the period those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were at their mid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
reached the peak
even though
during the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
the percent of the mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group decreased.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18 depicted the significant increase
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the lowest rate indicated a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
ago.
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IELTS academic Line graph below shows information about uk students during 3 years

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
118 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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