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Japanese tourists travelling abroad and Australia's share of Japan's tourist market

Japanese tourists travelling abroad and Australia's share of Japan's tourist market pJqgy
Reports in the bar graph show the Japanese tourists traveling overseas and another chart manifesting the share that Australia grips on Japan's tourist market.  All in all, both graphs demonstrates an up trend in Japanese tourists exploring other countries globally and especially in Australia. The highest percentage of overseas Japanese travellers stands at 6. 2 %. The line graph suggests that in the period of 1985 to 1987, Japanese tourists visiting foreign countries soared from 4. 9 million to 7 million while having 2-4% of Japanese tourists spending their time in Australia. During the term 1987 to 1990, the numbers of Japanese travellers are still stepping up, from 6. 5 to 11 million. however, the percentage of them that went to Australia decreased in 1989, bringing the proportion down to approximately 4%, though it quickly recovered after that. Moreover, in the timeframe of 1990-1992 indicates that global travel for Japanese citizen downscaled by few hundred thousands, though it quickly recovered and escalated to just below 12 million while trips to Australia proliferated by 2% during this term. Lastly, in 1992-1995, numbers shown that global travel in Japan skyrocketed, increasing by 4%. In the meantime, travels to Australia hiked to 6. 2% in 1993 then diminishing to 6% in 1994.
Reports in the bar graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the Japanese
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tourists
traveling overseas and another chart manifesting the share that Australia grips on Japan's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
market.  All in all, both graphs demonstrates an up trend in Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
exploring other countries globally and
especially
in Australia. The highest percentage of overseas Japanese
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
stands at 6. 2 %. The line graph suggests that in the period of 1985 to 1987, Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
visiting foreign countries soared from 4. 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
to 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
while having 2-4% of Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
spending their time in Australia. During the term 1987 to 1990, the numbers of Japanese
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
are
still
stepping up, from 6. 5 to 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
however
, the percentage of them that went to Australia decreased in 1989, bringing the proportion down to approximately 4%, though it
quickly
recovered after that.

Moreover
, in the timeframe of 1990-1992 indicates that global travel for Japanese citizen
Possible spelling mistake found.
downscaled
by few hundred thousands, though it
quickly
recovered and escalated to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
while trips to Australia proliferated by 2% during this term.
Lastly
, in 1992-1995, numbers shown that global travel in Japan skyrocketed, increasing by 4%. In the meantime, travels to Australia hiked to 6. 2% in 1993 then diminishing to 6% in 1994.
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IELTS academic Japanese tourists travelling abroad and Australia's share of Japan's tourist market

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
209 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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