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information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009

information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009 mWlgr
The given table illustrates the proportion of labour force in six industries such as manufacturing, retail, health care, construction, education and tourism in 1989 and 2009. It is vivid that the number of employees in manufacturing and retails decreased in the given period. To commence with, in 1989, the manufacturing sector had the highest manpower of 15% whereas, tourism had encountered the least of 5%. In addition to this, staff in the other three markets namely, health care, construction and education contributed less than 10%. Moreover, in 2009, the portion showed the opposite trend of the workers. Health care occupation shared the maximum ratio of 11. 3% of the working people. In contrast, the manufacturing trade and retail decreased to 9. 8%and 10. 1% each. In education, tourism, construction the percentage gradually increased to 7. 5%, 7. 5% and 8. 3% respectively. Overall, it is evident that the portion of the workforce increase from 1989 to 2009.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
table illustrates the proportion of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force in six industries such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
, retail, health care, construction, education and tourism in 1989 and 2009. It is vivid that the number of employees in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
and retails decreased in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period.

To commence with, in 1989, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
sector had the highest manpower of 15% whereas, tourism had encountered the least of 5%.
In addition
to this, staff in the other three markets
namely
, health care, construction and education contributed less than 10%.

Moreover
, in 2009, the portion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the opposite trend of the workers. Health care occupation shared the maximum ratio of 11. 3% of the working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
In contrast
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
trade and retail decreased to 9. 8%and 10. 1% each. In education, tourism, construction the percentage
gradually
increased to 7. 5%, 7. 5% and 8. 3%
respectively
.

Overall
, it is evident that the portion of the workforce increase from 1989 to 2009.
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IELTS academic information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
157 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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