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Information about global population percentages

Information about global population percentages WE65b
The bar graph shows details on the world's wealth in eight different places on earth(the numbers are measured in percentage). Overall, it can be seen that the major amount of money is concentrated in three regions: North America, Europe and Rich Asia-Pacefic. Although these are the richest land on the globe, they are not the most populated regions. China, India and Africa have the highest populational rates, however, they are poor if compared to those just mentioned. According to the data, North America have almost 35% of the global wealth, but at the same time, their population accounts for only 5% of the population on earth. Europe and Rich Asia-Pacific is responsable for 30 and nearly 23 percent, respectively. As for the most crowded areas in the world, China has less the 5% of global wealth, however it is the post populated country on earth. India and Africa has about 3% of total wealth and are also very populated places.
The bar graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
on the world's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
in eight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places on earth(the numbers
are measured
in percentage).

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the major amount of money
is concentrated
in three regions: North America, Europe and Rich
Possible spelling mistake found.
Asia-Pacefic
. Although these are the richest land on the globe, they are not the most populated regions. China, India and Africa have the highest
Possible spelling mistake found.
populational
rates,
however
, they are poor if compared to those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
mentioned.

According to the data, North America have almost 35% of the global
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wealth
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time, their population accounts for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% of the population on earth. Europe and Rich Asia-Pacific is
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsable
for 30 and
nearly
23 percent,
respectively
.

As for the most crowded areas in the world, China has less the 5% of global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
,
however
it is the post populated country on earth. India and Africa has about 3% of total
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wealth
and are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
populated places.
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IELTS academic Information about global population percentages

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
160 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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