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Income distributions amongst men in Sydney

Income distributions amongst men in Sydney YyOVV
The bar chart below show the distribution of income amongst 2 groups of men aged 25-44 in Sydney, Australian-born and men born oversea. For the native Australian, the majority, 35% of the population, of people earned around 600-1000$ which is considered a middle income. The second highest is the lower middle income which make make up 30% of Australian-born men. The minority of the people, with only 14%, belong to the low income. The second to lowest (20%)is the high income group. Regarding the foreign born male, the most of the population is saturated at the lower middle and the middle income with 33% and 27%, respectively. The lowest percentage of this group (15%) belong to the high income and a significant portion in the low income with, roughly, 22%. In general, the Australian born mean are more wealthy than the men born overseas. However, the majority of people in both groups are saturated in the middle and the lower income.
The bar chart below
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show
the distribution of
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income
amongst 2 groups of
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men
aged 25-44 in Sydney, Australian-born and
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men
born oversea.

For the native Australian, the majority, 35% of the population, of
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people
earned around 600-
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$1000".
1000$
which
is considered
a
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middle
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income
. The second highest is the lower
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middle
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income
which
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make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up 30% of Australian-born
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men
. The minority of the
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people
, with
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only
14%, belong to the low
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income
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
second to lowest (20%)is the high
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income
group.

Regarding the foreign born male, the most of the population
is saturated
at the lower
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middle
and the
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middle
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income
with 33% and 27%,
respectively
. The lowest percentage of this group (15%) belong to the high
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income
and a significant portion in the low
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income
with, roughly, 22%.

In general
, the Australian born mean are more wealthy than the
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men
born overseas.
However
, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in both groups
are saturated
in the
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middle
and the lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
.
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IELTS academic Income distributions amongst men in Sydney

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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