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histogram graphs of sale of computers and education of people.

histogram graphs of sale of computers and education of people. gAmK1
Given two histogram, one depicts the steady percentage of computer usage from 2002 to 2010 and the other compares the qualification details of percentage population in 2002 and 2010. Both histogram graph shows the positive correlation between more number of people getting education and increase in sales of Electronic devices like personal computers. Percentage students who are graduating high school, college, and higher studies in 2010 are much higher as compared to percentage students having same degrees in 2002. Difference between students who dropout from college, have a bachelor's and postgraduate degree is not much in 2010 as compare to 2002. The difference between percentage of students getting graduation and postgraduation degrees in 2002 and 2010 is less. So we can could conclude that percentage of people getting postgraduation degrees doesn't contributes much in increasing revenue of Businesses who sells computers. Also in second histogram graph straight upward trend can be seen in the percentage of population who has not completed high school, completed high school, dropped out college and poses postgraduation degree in 2002. In case of 2010 there is an flattish increase in percentage of people who could not complete college, completed college and possess postgraduation degree. Steady difference can be observed between percentage of people who haven't completed college, high school and possess high school diploma in 2002 and 2010.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
two histogram, one depicts the steady
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of computer usage from 2002 to 2010 and the other compares the qualification
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
population in 2002 and 2010.

Both
Please check whether 'Both' should be followed by a plural form: "histograms"
histogram
graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
correlation between more number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
getting education and increase in sales of Electronic devices like personal computers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Percentage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduating from".
graduating
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high
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school
, college, and higher studies in 2010 are much higher
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to
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percentage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
having same
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degrees
in 2002. Difference between
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students
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a dropout".
who dropout
from college, have a bachelor's and postgraduate
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degree
is not much in 2010 as compare to 2002.

The difference between
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percentage
of
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students
getting graduation and
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgraduation
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degrees
in 2002 and 2010 is less.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
we can
This form is ambiguous and can be used as past tense. Confirm that you are using the intended base form of the main verb after 'to do' as an auxiliary verb..
could
conclude that
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percentage
of
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people
getting
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgraduation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
doesn't
The verb 'doesn't' requires base form of this verb: "contribute"
contributes
much in increasing revenue of Businesses
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who
sells computers.

Also
in second histogram graph straight upward trend can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
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percentage
of population
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who
has not
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completed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
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completed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, dropped out college and poses
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgraduation
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degree
in 2002. In case of 2010 there is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
flattish increase in
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percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
could not complete college,
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completed
college and possess
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgraduation
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degree
. Steady difference can
be observed
between
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percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
haven't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
completed
college,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and possess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
diploma in 2002 and 2010.

IELTS academic histogram graphs of sale of computers and education of people.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
223 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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