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he pie graphs illustrates information about perception of deaths while attempting

he pie graphs illustrates information about perception of deaths while attempting 70BQ2
The pie graphs illustrates information about perception of deaths while attempting adventure sports in Brazil. The data is about two different years (2012 and 2014 ). Overall, the hang gliding sport had significant number of people were found during period given. Whereas, least perception of people dead while attempting bungee jumping in both the years 2012 and 2014. To begin with, while doing hang gliding sport 39% of people were dead in 2012 and seen slight increase in death incident about 43% in the year 2014. In 2012, cause of scuba diving 24% of individual were found dead and in 2014, decline seen in proportion of deaths for 18%. Football sport had been reason for 17% of person's death in first year and 15% in last year. In addition, swimming and bungee jumping cause 11% and 9% deaths in the year 2012 and danger for both the sports had been increased to 2%.
The pie graphs illustrates information about perception of deaths while attempting adventure
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sports
in Brazil. The data is about two
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different
years (2012 and 2014
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)
.

Overall
, the hang gliding
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sport
had significant number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were found
during period
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
. Whereas,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
perception of
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people
dead while attempting bungee jumping in both the years 2012 and 2014.

To
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begin
with, while doing hang gliding
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sport
39% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were dead in 2012 and
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seen
slight increase in death incident about 43% in the
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year
2014. In 2012, cause of scuba diving 24% of individual
were found
dead and in 2014, decline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in proportion of deaths for 18%. Football
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sport
had been reason for 17% of person's death in
first
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year
and 15% in last year.

In addition
, swimming and bungee jumping cause 11% and 9% deaths in the
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year
2012 and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
for both the
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sports
had
been increased
to 2%.
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IELTS academic he pie graphs illustrates information about perception of deaths while attempting

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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