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Green house gases emissions by Australian households

Green house gases emissions by Australian households 0pgQG
These two pie charts show information about household energy use in Australia and the resulting greenhouse emissions. While heating is the greatest use of energy, it is not the greatest producer of greenhouse gases. Greenhouse gases are produced by water heating more than any other source. The first pie chart displays information about the use of energy in the average Australian house. Here, heating requires the most energy, at 42% of the total, followed by water heating at a little over a third. The smallest fraction is cooling at just 2% of the total energy use. Surprisingly, while heating uses 42% of the total energy use, it only causes 15% of the total greenhouse gases. However, water heating is more or less proportional to its total use, producing a little less than a third of the greenhouse gases emitted by the average household. Refrigeration produces 14% of the total emissions, despite only using 7% of the house’s energy
These two pie charts
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show
information about household
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energy
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use
in Australia and the resulting
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greenhouse
emissions. While
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heating
is the greatest
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use
of
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energy
, it is not the greatest producer of
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greenhouse
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gases
.
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Greenhouse
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gases
are produced
by water
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heating
more than any other source.

The
first
pie chart displays information about the
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use
of
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energy
in the average Australian
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house
. Here,
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heating
requires the most
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energy
, at 42% of the
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total
, followed by water
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heating
at a
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little
over a third. The smallest fraction is cooling at
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just
2% of the
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total
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energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

Surprisingly
, while
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heating
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uses
42% of the
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total
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energy
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use
, it
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only
causes 15% of the
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total
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greenhouse
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gases
.
However
, water
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heating
is more or less proportional to its
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total
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use
, producing a
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little
less than a third of the
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gases
emitted by the average household. Refrigeration produces 14% of the
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total
emissions, despite
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only
using 7% of the
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house
’s
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
energy
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IELTS academic Green house gases emissions by Australian households

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
157 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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