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Graphs of retail sectors in New Zealand

Graphs of retail sectors in New Zealand kWy3n
The pie graphs present the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in two different year 2003 and 2013. In 2003, travel had been sold for the highest number 36%. The second place was clothes. Film and music was less than clothes for 3%. The least only sales was books. In this year retail sectors had the closer number that in the year 2013. In 2013, the highest and the lowest were film or music and clothes. There were 33% in the most retail parts and 16% in the least retail parts. These sectors different from each other for 17%. The lower than the highest was travel and the third place was books. As the result, people in New Zealand tend to buy more books than in the past because the percentage of books online sales has increased from 2003 to 2013 for 3%.
The pie graphs present the online shopping sales for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retail
sectors in New Zealand in two
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different
year 2003 and 2013.

In 2003, travel had
been sold
for the highest number 36%. The second place was clothes. Film and music was less than clothes for 3%. The least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
sales was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
. In this year
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retail
sectors had the closer number that in the year 2013.

In 2013, the highest and the lowest were film or music and clothes. There were 33% in the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retail
parts and 16% in the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retail
parts. These sectors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from each other for 17%. The lower than the highest was travel and the third place was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
. As the result,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in New Zealand tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
than in the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
online sales has increased from 2003 to 2013 for 3%.

IELTS academic Graphs of retail sectors in New Zealand

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
146 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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