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Graphical presentation of numbers of death in terrorist attack

Graphical presentation of numbers of death in terrorist attack GL2lQ
The given graph depicts total number of deaths caused by terrorist attacks in different countries. Here the countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Nigeria are graphically presented over a period of time between 2011 and 2015. The graph has numbers of death in terrorism and numbers are marked upto 10, 000. Overall, majorly detach has occurred in Iraq between 2013 to 2015. In 2014 Iraq showed up with highest death numbers which is 9000 in number. In compare to that Afghanistan was been in declination over deaths. In the year 2012, there were less numbers of death. However, Afghanistan also been lowered in numbers during 2013 which is upto 3000. Afghanistan only showed 5000 deaths in total by the end of th year 2015. Whereas, Nigeria has major numbers of death in compare to Afghanistan. Both Iraq and Nigeria had maximum numbers of death ratio in the year 2014. By the year 2014 all the countries showed declination in death numbers except Afghanistan.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graph depicts total
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number
of deaths caused by terrorist attacks in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries. Here the countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Nigeria are
graphically
presented over a period of time between 2011 and 2015. The graph has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of death in terrorism and
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numbers
are marked
Possible spelling mistake found.
upto
10, 000.

Overall
,
majorly
detach has occurred in Iraq
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 2013 and 2015".
between 2013 to 2015
. In 2014 Iraq
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
up with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
death
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numbers
which is 9000 in
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number
. In compare to that Afghanistan
Did you mean "was" or "has been"?
was been
in declination over deaths.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
the
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year
2012, there were
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun numbers is countable.
less
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numbers
of death.
However
, Afghanistan
also
been lowered
in
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numbers
during 2013 which is
Possible spelling mistake found.
upto
3000. Afghanistan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
5000 deaths in total by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of th
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year
2015.

“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, Nigeria has major
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numbers
of death in compare to Afghanistan. Both Iraq and Nigeria had maximum
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numbers
of death ratio in the
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year
2014. By the
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year
2014 all the countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
declination in death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
except Afghanistan.
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IELTS academic Graphical presentation of numbers of death in terrorist attack

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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