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graph compares the proportion of jobless females in four states of United Kingdom in two years from 2O13 to 2O14

graph compares the proportion of jobless females in four states of United Kingdom in two years from 2O13 to 2O14 G9Ngm
The vertical bar graph compares the proportion of jobless females in four states of United Kingdom in two years from 2O13 to 2O14. Looking from an overall perspective, it is clear that unemployment rate had mere numbers in all countries within UK still the highest proportion of out of work women were in England in 2O13 and Scotland thereafter with slightly lower figure. To begin with, the female population of England had the largest share of percentages in two years, with approximately 7% in 2O13. However, the number slightly dropped to six and a half percents in 2O14 conceded to Scotland with barely the same number. In 2O14, Scotland revealed figure near to 6%. Regarding to lowest number in the chart, which was in Northern Ireland with mere 4. 6%, to compare with previous year, it was a biggest drop for shark 1 percent. Ultimately, Wales had the identical pattern with a little shrink from 5. 4% in 2O13 to five percents in the next year.
The vertical bar graph compares the proportion of jobless females in four states
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United Kingdom".
of United Kingdom
in two years from 2O13 to 2O14.

Looking from an
overall
perspective, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that unemployment rate had mere
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
in all countries within UK
still
the highest proportion of out of work women were in England in 2O13 and Scotland thereafter with
slightly
lower figure.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the female population of England had the largest share of percentages in two years, with approximately 7% in 2O13.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
slightly
dropped to six and a half percents in 2O14 conceded to Scotland with
barely
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
. In 2O14, Scotland revealed figure near to 6%.

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
in the chart, which was in Northern Ireland with mere 4. 6%, to compare with previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, it was
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
biggest drop for shark 1 percent.
Ultimately
, Wales had the identical pattern with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
shrink from 5. 4% in 2O13 to five percents in the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
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IELTS academic graph compares the proportion of jobless females in four states of United Kingdom in two years from 2O13 to 2O14

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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