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Graduating students from one of the UK universities in 2008.

Graduating students from one of the UK universities in 2008. yXLQd
The bar chart compares the students who graduated excluding full-time job after finishing the college in 2008. Overall, most percentage of United Kingdom graduate and postgraduate students went for further study while less of them went to voluntary work. In both diagrams part-time work and further study was the most changed types, which 17735 of graduate students and over 2500 of postgraduate students while nearly 45% of graduate and almost one third of postgraduate students kept their way to these fields. Graduate students got voluntary work almost 10 times more than postgraduate students(3500 and 345 respectively). There were also ten times more unemployment students after leaving college 16235 of graduate and 1625 postgraduate students.
The bar chart compares the
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students
who graduated excluding full-time job after finishing the college in 2008.

Overall
, most percentage
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United Kingdom".
of United Kingdom
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graduate
and
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postgraduate
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students
went for
further
study while less of them went to voluntary work.

In both diagrams part-time work and
further
study was the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
types, which 17735 of
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graduate
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students
and over 2500 of
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postgraduate
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students
while
nearly
45% of
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graduate
and almost one third of
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postgraduate
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
their way to these fields.

Graduate
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
voluntary work almost 10 times more than
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postgraduate
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students(3500
and 345
respectively
). There were
also
ten times more unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after leaving college 16235 of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
and 1625
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.

IELTS academic Graduating students from one of the UK universities in 2008.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
114 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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