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government expenditure in 2000 and 2010

government expenditure in 2000 and 2010 BaNrV
the pie graph depict expenditure of local government in 2000 and 2010. There are nine segments each of which represent vary field, such as eduction, pensions and so on. In 2000, the largest of expenditure is education 24%. And then, healthcare, which is the second large amount of 21%. The percentage of pensions which is the third amount of expenditure. Next, the largest percentage of In 2010 is also education, them healthcare after. We can notice transport and culture leisure only take 1%of the expenditure in 2000. The comparison of 2000 and 2010 is that interest on borrowing in 2010 is two time higher than the 2000. Furthermore, the decrease of percentage between this two data, defense, which drop 3%, from 17% to 14%, from 2000 to 2010. Overall, according to the data, education, healthcare and pensions is the obvious expenditure in these two years. From 2000 to 2010, can notice the percentage of welfare and Interest on borrowing is move up. Then, the pensions stay steady but transport and culture and leisure is decline in 2010.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
pie graph depict
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expenditure
of local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in 2000 and 2010. There are nine segments each of which represent vary field, such as
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eduction
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pensions
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

In 2000, the largest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
is education 24%. And then, healthcare, which is the second large amount of 21%. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pensions
which is the third amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
.
Next
, the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of In 2010 is
also
education, them healthcare after. We can notice transport and culture leisure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
take 1%of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
in 2000. The comparison of 2000 and 2010 is that interest on borrowing in 2010 is two time higher than the 2000.
Furthermore
, the decrease of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
between this two data, defense, which drop 3%, from 17% to 14%, from 2000 to 2010.

Overall
, according to the data, education, healthcare and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pensions
is the obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
in these two years. From 2000 to 2010, can notice the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of welfare and Interest on borrowing is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
up. Then, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pensions
stay steady
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
transport and culture and leisure is decline in 2010.
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IELTS academic government expenditure in 2000 and 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
177 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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