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chart leisure time of different employment

chart leisure time of different employment xDA1a
The diagram illustrates female and male how much have past time in different job positions in 1998-99 As can be seen retired and unemployed persons had by far more than other state in both gender. Among employee including full time and part time, men had most leisure moment by around 40 hours While women worker dedicated an approximate at 40 hours in ordinary week time in full- time jobs. There is the amount of funny time part time career just in women by around 40 hours during 1998-1999. Unemployed and retired of both sex who did not have a permanent job had a lot of free time to enjoy. they had almost 80 hours to spent leisure activity in males at a week whereas the time of females jobless were less than males with a stable time in unemployed and retired persons. (80 hours in a routine week) Lastly, there are women who just worked at home as a housewife spent around 40 hours for past time weekly between 1998 and 1999. Overall, the chart demonstrates that the unemployed and retired people had the highest leisure time of all type of occupation in weeks of the year.
The diagram illustrates female and male how much have past
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time
in
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different
job positions in 1998-99

As can be
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seen
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retired
and
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unemployed
persons had by far more than other state in both gender.

Among employee including full
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time
and part
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time
,
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men
had most leisure moment by around 40
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hours
While women worker dedicated an approximate at 40
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hours
in ordinary week
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time
in full-
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time
jobs. There is the amount of
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funny
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time
part
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time
career
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just
in women by around 40
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hours
during
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1998-1999. Unemployed
and
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retired
of both sex who did not have a permanent job had
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a lot of
free
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time
to enjoy.
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they
had almost 80
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hours
to spent leisure activity in males at a week whereas the
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time
of females jobless were less than males with a stable
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time
in
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unemployed
and
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retired
persons. (80
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hours
in a routine week)

Lastly
, there are women who
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just
worked at home as a housewife spent around 40
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hours
for past
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time
weekly between 1998 and 1999.

Overall
, the chart demonstrates that the
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unemployed
and
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retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had the highest leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of all type of occupation in weeks of the year.
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IELTS academic chart leisure time of different employment

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
197 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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