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Four pie charts compare percentage of employees working in various sectors in town A and B between 1960 and 2010

Four pie charts compare percentage of employees working in various sectors in town A and B between 1960 and 2010 yLR0M
Overall, during the reporting years, number of people from town A underwent an increase in manufacturing sector so did residents of B. The number of merchandise, meanwhile, plunged in both towns. In the first year, traders of town A accounted for the largest proportion with just over 40% of the total workers whereas equivalent figure for B was 70%. Then, they declined considerably by approximately 20 percent over a half century. By contrast, segment of town A for manufacturing comprised less than third in 1960 but it saw a tremendous rise ranking the first with 64%. Population from B who worked in same sector witnessed a noticeable growth from 10% to 25%. Moreover, some residents of both towns was sustained with a job by service sector in 1960 (30% and 20% workers respectively). Then, these indexes became quite small decreasing by 14% in town A and 8% for town B.
Overall
, during the reporting years, number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
A underwent an increase in manufacturing sector
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
did residents of B. The number of merchandise, meanwhile, plunged in both towns.

In the
first
year, traders of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
A accounted for the largest proportion with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 40% of the total workers whereas equivalent figure for B was 70%. Then, they declined
considerably
by approximately 20 percent over a half century. By contrast, segment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
A for manufacturing comprised less than third in 1960
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a tremendous rise ranking the
first
with 64%. Population from B who worked in same sector witnessed a noticeable growth from 10% to 25%.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
residents of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
was sustained
with a job by service sector in 1960 (30% and 20% workers
respectively
). Then, these indexes became quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
decreasing by 14% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
A and 8% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
B.
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IELTS academic Four pie charts compare percentage of employees working in various sectors in town A and B between 1960 and 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
150 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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