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Exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company

Exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company PR1Ew
The given bar chart and table disclose data on exercise and absence in two departments of a large corporation. Overal, the majority of workers exercised between five and 10 hours each week. As a result, the London department has the greatest number of one to five days of illness-related absenteeism each year. Employees who exercise between five and ten hours per week account about half of the total in each of the Birmingham and London divisions. Those in Brimingham who worked out for fewer than five hours per week, on the other hand, were significantly lower than those in London. More Brimingham employees exercised between ten and fifteen hours each week. There was around 15% difference between that. Others saw a less pronounced difference. Birmingham has more than twice as many non-absence employees as London, with 380 and 158 employees respectively. But the truth is that the London division has 216 more absentees than Birmingham with a frequency of one to five days a year. Meanwhile, the rate of absenteeism of more than 5 days per year in both companies is quite even, with about 242 employees.
The
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given
bar chart and table disclose data on exercise and absence in two departments of a large corporation.
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Overal
, the majority of workers exercised between five and 10
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hours
each
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week
.
As a result
, the London department has the greatest number of one to five days of illness-related absenteeism each year.

Employees who exercise between five and ten
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hours
per
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week
account about half of the total in each of the Birmingham and London divisions. Those in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Brimingham
who worked out for fewer than five
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hours
per
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week
,
on the other hand
, were
significantly
lower than those in London. More
Possible spelling mistake found.
Brimingham
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employees
exercised between ten and fifteen
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hours
each
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week
. There was around 15% difference between that. Others
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saw
a less pronounced difference.

Birmingham has more than twice as
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many
non-absence
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employees
as London, with 380 and 158
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employees
respectively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the truth is that the London division has 216 more absentees than Birmingham with a frequency of one to five days a year. Meanwhile, the rate of absenteeism of more than 5 days per year in both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is quite even, with about 242
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
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IELTS academic Exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
187 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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