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Distribution of employed and unemployed people

Distribution of employed and unemployed people aVwwo
The pie chart depicts the percentage of people employed and unemployed in distinct sectors like agriculture and industry in 1932 and 1992 in Philippines. Overall, it can be seen that major sector of employment was industry in 1932 whereas, least jobs are provided by government. The service sectors offered maximum number of jobs in 1992. The greater amount of workforce was employed in the segment of industry with 42% in 1932; however, it was significantly fallen by 17% to 15% in 1992. Moreover, less than a fifth number of people worked in service sector where, it was increase considerably to 52% thereby, becoming most popular area of employment. Furthermore, the number of workers in agriculture and fishing had been declined from 15% to less than a tenth over the period of six decades. In stark contrast to this, jobs by government rose to 15% in 1992 whereas, fraction of unemployed people plunged to a tenth in 60 years.
The pie chart depicts the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
employed and unemployed in distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
like agriculture and industry in 1932 and 1992
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the Philippines".
in Philippines
.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
of employment was industry in 1932 whereas,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
jobs
are provided
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
offered maximum number of jobs in 1992. The greater amount of workforce
was employed
in the segment of industry with 42% in 1932;
however
, it was
significantly
fallen by 17% to 15% in 1992.
Moreover
, less than a fifth number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
worked in service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
where, it was increase
considerably
to 52% thereby, becoming most popular area of employment.
Furthermore
, the number of workers in agriculture and fishing had
been declined
from 15% to less than a tenth over the period of six decades. In stark contrast to this, jobs by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
rose to 15% in 1992 whereas, fraction of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
plunged to a tenth in 60 years.
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IELTS academic Distribution of employed and unemployed people

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
158 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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