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diagram of process manufacturing bricks

diagram of process manufacturing bricks yXeYg
This diagram shows the process of manufacturing bricks which are used for the building industry. The whole process is consisted of mainly six activities and starts from using a digger and ends up to delivering by tracks. As a first activity, the clay which is an original material for bricks is dug by a digger. Secondly, the clay is filtered by a metal grid and a roller below the metal grid carries those small parts of the clay. The sand and water are added to them before a third activity and then the material is shaped by either using a mould or cutting by a wire. The shaped bricks are dried in the oven for 24 to 48 hours as a fourth activity. As a fifth, the bricks are heated at 200 ℃ to 980℃ at first in the kiln and the temperature gets high up to 1300℃. After this, they are cooled in a chamber for 48 to 72 hours. Finally the bricks are packaged and delivered by tracks.
This diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the process of manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the building industry. The whole process
is consisted
of
mainly
six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
from using a digger and ends up to delivering by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
.

As a
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, the clay which is an original material for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
is dug
by a digger.
Secondly
, the clay
is filtered
by a metal grid and a roller below the metal grid carries those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
parts of the clay. The sand and water are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and then the material
is shaped
by either using a
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
or cutting by a wire. The shaped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are dried
in the oven for 24 to 48 hours as a fourth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. As a fifth, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are heated
at 200 ℃

to 980℃ at
first
in the kiln and the temperature
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
high up to 1300℃. After this, they
are cooled
in a chamber for 48 to 72 hours.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bricks
are packaged
and delivered by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
.
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IELTS academic diagram of process manufacturing bricks

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
170 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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