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diagram of deaths from heart disease and cancer

diagram of deaths from heart disease and cancer OVeWp
THE GIVEN BAR CHART SHOWS INFORMATION ABOUT PERCENTAGE OF DEATHS FROM HEART DISEASE AND CANCER AND THE PERCENTAGE OF CALORIES CONSUMED FROM PROCESSED FOODS FROM 12 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. HERE, HUNGARY HAS THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE 0F DEATHS LYING AT 90% AND SURPRISINGLY HAS THE LOWEST CONSUMPTION OF PROCESSED FOODS. IN USA AROUND 8 FROM 10 PEOPLE DIED FROM THESE DISEASE CONSUMING ABOUT 12% OF PROCESSED FOODS. BELGIUM, SWEDEN, FINLAND AND PORTUGAL THESE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAVE AROUND 50-70% CASUALITIES FROM THESE DISEASE AND 15-20% OF CALORIES COME FROM PROCESSED FOODS. VENEZUELA AND GREECE HAVE 35-40% DEATH RATE FROM THESE DIESEASE AND THEY INCLUDE SAME RATE OF PROCESSED FOODS IN THEIR DIET. MEXICO, KOREA AND THAILAND HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST PROCESSED FOOD CONSUMPTION RATE OF 50-70% BUT THEIR DEATH RATE FROM HEART DISEASE AND CANCER VERY LOW AT 10-25%. IN LAOS PEOPLE ALMOST FULFILL THEIR DIET FROM PROCESSED FOODS AT RATE OF 92% BUT THE PEOPLE RARELY DIE FROM THESE LIFE THREATNING DISEASES. OVERALL, THE COUNTRIES WHO HAVE HIGHEST CONSUMING RATE OF PROCESSED FOODS IN CONTRARY THEY HAVE LOWEST DEATHS FROM HEART DISEASE AND CANCER.
THE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GIVEN
BAR CHART
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SHOWS
INFORMATION ABOUT PERCENTAGE OF DEATHS FROM HEART
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DISEASE
AND CANCER AND THE PERCENTAGE OF CALORIES CONSUMED FROM
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PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
FROM 12
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
DIFFERENT
COUNTRIES.

HERE, HUNGARY HAS THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE 0F DEATHS LYING AT 90% AND
SURPRISINGLY
HAS THE LOWEST CONSUMPTION OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
.
A determiner is probably missing here: "IN the USA".
IN USA
AROUND 8 FROM 10
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
DIED
FROM THESE
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DISEASE
CONSUMING ABOUT 12% OF
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PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
. BELGIUM, SWEDEN, FINLAND AND PORTUGAL THESE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAVE AROUND 50-70%
Possible spelling mistake found.
CASUALITIES
FROM THESE
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DISEASE
AND 15-20% OF CALORIES
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
COME
FROM
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PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
. VENEZUELA AND GREECE HAVE 35-40% DEATH
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RATE
FROM THESE
Possible spelling mistake found.
DIESEASE
AND THEY INCLUDE SAME
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RATE
OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
PROCESSED
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FOODS
IN THEIR DIET.

MEXICO, KOREA AND THAILAND HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST
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PROCESSED
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FOOD
CONSUMPTION
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RATE
OF 50-70%
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BUT
THEIR DEATH
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RATE
FROM HEART
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DISEASE
AND CANCER
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
VERY
LOW AT 10-25%. IN LAOS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
ALMOST FULFILL THEIR DIET FROM
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PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
AT
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RATE
OF 92%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
THE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
RARELY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
DIE
FROM
Did you mean "this LIFE" or "THESE lives"?
THESE LIFE
Possible spelling mistake found.
THREATNING
DISEASES.

OVERALL
, THE COUNTRIES WHO HAVE
A determiner is probably missing here: "the HIGHEST".
HIGHEST
CONSUMING
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RATE
OF
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PROCESSED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
FOODS
IN CONTRARY THEY HAVE
A determiner is probably missing here: "the LOWEST".
LOWEST
DEATHS FROM HEART
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
DISEASE
AND CANCER.
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IELTS academic diagram of deaths from heart disease and cancer

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
183 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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