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Describing a bar chart and pie chart that shows the percentage of adults who are overweight

Describing a bar chart and pie chart that shows the percentage of adults who are overweight b21jW
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who have not a healthy weight in a special country during 50 years while the pie chart shows different range of weight that adults had in 2015. As we can see the number of people with overweight rose steadily from 1965 to 2015 moreover there were more obese than people in a fit shape. From 1965 to 1985 the percentage of unhealthy adults remained stable but between 1985 and 1995 a significant increase is obvious. Also this number grew gradually in the ten years after that. Between 2005 and 2015 it hasn't changed much. 6 years ago over a third of people were obese while 31% of adults were overweight that means they should lose less weight than obese to become healthy. The smallest group was people who were severely obese it means that they were fat in a dangerous way for their health. Just under a third of people were in a suitable situation. As the human's life style has changed in the last century and they have became less active and eat more fattening and junk food, the number of overweight people has went up.
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have not a healthy weight in a special country during 50 years while the pie chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
range of weight that adults had in 2015.

As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with overweight rose
steadily
from 1965 to 2015
moreover
there were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a fit shape.

From 1965 to 1985 the percentage of unhealthy adults remained stable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
between 1985 and 1995 a significant increase is obvious.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
this number grew
gradually
in the ten years after that.

Between 2005 and 2015 it hasn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
much. 6 years ago over a third of
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people
were
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obese
while 31% of adults were overweight that means they should lose less weight than
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obese
to become healthy.

The smallest group was
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people
who were
severely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
it means that they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
way for their health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
under a third of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were in a suitable situation.

As the human's life style has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in the last
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
century and
they have
Use past participle here: "become".
became
less active and eat more fattening and junk food, the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has
Use past participle here: "gone".
went
up.
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IELTS academic Describing a bar chart and pie chart that shows the percentage of adults who are overweight

Academic
  American English
6 paragraphs
195 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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