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comsumption of fast food in Mauritian teenagers

comsumption of fast food in Mauritian teenagers 7Wdp5
The charts give the information about the numbers of fast food consumed by Mauritian Teenager in the period of 30 years from 1985 to 2015. Overall, there was an increase of consumption hamburgers and fried chicken meanwhile the opposite trend was true in using up pizza. In 1985, Pizza achieved the highest number of consumption with nearly 60 times per year, following by hamburgers and fried chicken were 10 times and under 10 times per year respectively. From 1985 to 2000, the numbers of fried chicken increased significantly with nearly 30 times. Noticeably, this exceeded quantity of hamburgers in 2000 and reached it peak at 60 times. In the end of period, quantity of fried chicken maintained the same rate till 2010 and achieved over 60 times in 2015. Likewise, hamburgers which were consumed by teenagers were upward and this ones became the highest fast food were popular in teenagers in 2015 at 70 times per year. On the other hand, pizza was having the opposite trend and this underwent a sixfold fall in 2015 at nearly 10 times per years
The charts give the information about the numbers of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food consumed by Mauritian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenager
in the period of 30 years from 1985 to 2015.
Overall
, there was an increase of consumption hamburgers and
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fried
chicken meanwhile the opposite trend was true in using up pizza.

In 1985, Pizza achieved the highest number of consumption with
nearly
60
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times
per
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year
, following by hamburgers and
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fried
chicken were 10
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times
and under 10
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times
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
respectively
. From 1985 to 2000, the numbers of
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fried
chicken increased
significantly
with
nearly
30
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times
.
Noticeably
, this exceeded quantity of hamburgers in 2000 and reached it peak at 60
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times
. In the
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end
of period, quantity of
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fried
chicken maintained the same rate till 2010 and achieved over 60
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times
in 2015.
Likewise
, hamburgers which
were consumed
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
were upward and
Did you mean "these"?
this
ones became the highest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food were popular in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in 2015 at 70
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
per year.

On the other hand
, pizza was having the opposite trend and this underwent a sixfold fall in 2015 at
nearly
10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
per years
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IELTS academic comsumption of fast food in Mauritian teenagers

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
180 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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