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Computer ownership during the years 2002 until 2010

Computer ownership during the years 2002 until 2010 gGlG3
The graphs depict the percentage of computer ownership in the year 2002 until 2010, as well as by level of education from 2002 to 2010. In both charts there's a steady climb in the percentage of population up to the year 2010, but amongst educated classes, there is a huge rise between the year 2002 and 2010 in each of the education levels, however, still maintaining the steady inclination across all categories throughout the years. Firstly, among people with no high school diploma, only 15% owned computers in 2002, while the numbers jumped to 44% in 2010. High school graduates were double the percentage, with 40% in 2002 and almost 70% in 2010. Secondly, pupils with college level up to postgraduate students had higher rates of ownership but were similar ranging between 55%-70% during 2002 and about 85-90% in 2010.
The graphs depict the percentage of computer ownership in the year 2002 until 2010,
as well
as by level of education from 2002 to 2010.

In both charts there's a steady climb in the percentage of population up to the year 2010,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
amongst educated classes, there is a huge rise between the year 2002 and 2010 in each of the education levels,
however
,
still
maintaining the steady inclination across all categories throughout the years.

Firstly
,
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with no high school diploma,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
computers in 2002, while the numbers jumped to 44% in 2010. High school graduates were double the percentage, with 40% in 2002 and almost 70% in 2010.

Secondly
, pupils with college level up to postgraduate students had higher rates of ownership
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
were similar ranging between 55%-70% during 2002 and about 85-90% in 2010.
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IELTS academic Computer ownership during the years 2002 until 2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
140 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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