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compare between bar chart and pie chart

compare between bar chart and pie chart b21gW
The bar chart shows the percentage of adults who had obese between 1965 to 2015, while the pie chart reveals the proportion with variety of weight. In the bar chart we see a raise in 1995 that continues to 2015 and the pie chart shows that the over third of adults has overweight in 2015. Base on the bar chart, between 1965 to 1985, the rate of overweight was stable and was just under 50 percentages. As we see, increase of weight began in 1995 and each decade add 10 % on it. So in 2015 the percentage of people who has overweight is about 80% and that is the highest amount in this period. The pie chart shows the rate of several group of people that have overweight and reports a comparison between them in 2015. Healthy or underweight group is just under a third, 29%. The most percentage is related to obese people.
The bar
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chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
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percentage
of adults who had obese
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1965 and 2015".
between 1965 to 2015
, while the pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
reveals the proportion with variety of weight. In the bar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a raise in 1995 that continues to 2015 and the pie
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chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the over third of adults has
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overweight
in 2015.

Base on the bar
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chart
,
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1965 and 1985".
between 1965 to 1985
, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
was stable and was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
. As we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, increase of weight began in 1995 and each decade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
10 % on it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in 2015 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
is about 80% and
that is
the highest amount in this period. The pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the rate of several group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
and reports a comparison between them in 2015. Healthy or underweight group is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under a third, 29%. The most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
is related
to obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

IELTS academic compare between bar chart and pie chart

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
155 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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