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children going to school trips by various transport systems

children going to school trips by various transport systems rYoN2
The bar graph illustrates the various modes of the transport to school in 1990 and 2010. The school kids using five ways of transport, i. e. car, walking, cycling, bus and by walk and bus. Overall, the children using car has been increased a lot. The people who travel by bus has some, what decreased but it is the only mean of transport with not much change. Horizontal axis is showing how early aged people are going to convent. Vertical axis is picturizing the millions of trips per year. In 1990, the persons who are coming to school by car are having around 5 million trips on the contrary the same category people in 2010 has increased in the tips about 11 million. Walking kids are having more than one crore and twenty lakh trips and in this case in 2010 had a rapid decline and it was about the 6 million trips. There is also a slight drop in the trips of cycling in 1990 and 2010. Then by walking bus that is almost similar to cycling and nearly it is 6 million trips in 1990, However the in 2010 it is 3 million.
The bar graph illustrates the various modes of the transport to school in 1990 and 2010. The school kids using five ways of transport,
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
car, walking, cycling, bus and by walk and bus.

Overall
, the children using car has
been increased
a lot. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who travel by bus has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, what decreased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mean of transport with not much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. Horizontal axis is showing how early aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are going to convent. Vertical axis is picturizing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
per year.

In 1990, the persons who are coming to school by car are having around 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
on the contrary
the same category
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in 2010 has increased in the tips about 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
. Walking kids are having more than one crore and twenty lakh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
and
in this case
in 2010 had a rapid decline and it was about the 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
. There is
also
a slight drop in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
of cycling in 1990 and 2010. Then by walking bus
that is
almost similar to cycling and
nearly
it is 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
in 1990,
However
the in 2010 it is 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
.
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IELTS academic children going to school trips by various transport systems

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
195 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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