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Canadian Donors 2000 and 2015

Canadian Donors 2000 and 2015 gbaY1
The present chart presents the different levels of donation amidst people of different ages in Canada. The rate of donors amidst the population aged 25 to 34 also decreased from 29% to 25%, but what happened before this happened? First of all, the proportion of Canadians that made charitable donations in 2000 ranged from 39% in the 35-to-49 age group to 20% in the 18-to-24 age group. Then, in 2015, these rates had fallen significantly to 34% and 11% respectively. Although the proportion of donors between the ages of 18 and 49 declined between 2000 and 2015, this trend continues to develop in the opposite direction to that of older Canadians. Amidst people aged 50 to 64, the proportion of donors increased by 4% to nearly 38%, which was the highest proportion in 2015. The figure for people 65 and over is lower at 34%, but it is still slightly higher than the figure of 31% in 2000. In conclusion, a bigger part of Canadian citizens gave even more money to charitable organizations in 2000 than in 2015. Anyway, if we talk about trends over the time, the rate of donors did not change in the same way amidst all age groups.
The present chart presents the
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different
levels of donation amidst
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
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different
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ages
in Canada.

The rate of
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donors
amidst the population aged 25 to 34
also
decreased from 29% to 25%,
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but
what happened
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before
this happened?
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
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proportion
of Canadians that made charitable donations in 2000 ranged from 39% in the 35-to-49
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age
group to 20% in the 18-to-24
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age
group. Then, in 2015, these rates had fallen
significantly
to 34% and 11%
respectively
.

Although the
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proportion
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
donors
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
of 18 and 49 declined between 2000 and 2015, this trend continues to develop in the opposite direction to that of older Canadians. Amidst
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged 50 to 64, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
donors
increased by 4% to
nearly
38%, which was the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
in 2015. The figure for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
65 and over is lower at 34%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
still
slightly
higher than the figure of 31% in 2000.

In conclusion
, a bigger part of Canadian citizens gave even more money to charitable organizations in 2000 than in 2015. Anyway, if we talk about trends over the time, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
donors
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the same way
amidst all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups.
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IELTS academic Canadian Donors 2000 and 2015

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
202 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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