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bar charts about university's students in UK

bar charts about university's students in UK 6LPx3
Given are the bar charts providing us with information regarding the university’s students in England who prefer not to get full-time occupations after they have graduated in 2008. Overall, it is starkly apparent that most of the learners were tend to continue their educations even after their graduations. When scrutinizing more rigorously, it inferred that bachelor and master’s students both wanted to broaden their knowledge by taking various courses after finishing the university with 29665 and 2725 individuals in the order given. About 2535 of master and 17735 of graduates’ students, also, have employed as the part-time workers. The number of unemployed bachelor’s students is around 16235, which is 10-times more than master’s educators. Not only was the rate of unemployment high in graduates’ students, but also the rate of their voluntary activities was more than postgraduates. Just 345 master’s students have done voluntary work that is one-tenth of graduates in 2008.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the bar charts providing us with information regarding the university’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in England who prefer not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
full-time occupations after they have graduated in 2008.
Overall
, it is
starkly
apparent that most of the learners were
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to continue their educations even after their graduations.

When scrutinizing more
rigorously
, it inferred that bachelor and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
master’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
both wanted to broaden their knowledge by taking various courses after finishing the university with 29665 and 2725 individuals in the order
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
. About 2535 of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
master
and 17735 of graduates’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
also
, have employed as the part-time workers.

The number of unemployed bachelor’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is around 16235, which is 10-times more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
master’s
educators. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
was the rate of unemployment high in graduates’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the rate of their voluntary activities was more than postgraduates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
345
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
master’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have done voluntary work
that is
one-tenth of graduates in 2008.
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IELTS academic bar charts about university's students in UK

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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