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bar chart is concerning the proportion of European going to cinemas on each day of the week

bar chart is concerning the proportion of European going to cinemas on each day of the week Q2GVP
The information provided in the bar chart is concerning the proportion of European going to cinemas on each day of the week in 2003, 2005 and 2007. Overall, it can be seen clearly that Europe’s citizens tend to go to cinemas on weekends over weekdays. Moreover, the vast majority of the total population going to cinemas was on Friday whereas the rate of movie watchers on Monday was at least. According to the data, less than a fifth of the total population went to cinemas on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. To be precise, Tuesday had the highest percentage over the period at roughly 20%. There is a striking thing that the figure for watchers on Wednesday registered dramatic downward trends which stood 16% to the lowest at approximately 9% in 2003 and 2007, respectively. On Friday, the participation rate witnessed no change which shared an equal percentage at exactly 30%. Following that, The proportion of Europe watchers on saturday underwent an increase from 40% in 2003 to the peak at 45% in 2005, prior to dropping by 4% in 2007. Finally, the percentage of people going to cinemas on Sunday experienced falling by 10% in comparison with the rate of one on Saturday.
The information provided in the bar chart
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
the proportion of European going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
on each day of the week in 2003, 2005 and 2007.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that Europe’s citizens tend to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
on weekends over weekdays.
Moreover
, the vast majority of the total population going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
was on Friday whereas the rate of movie watchers on Monday was at least.

According to the data, less than a fifth of the total population went to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. To be precise, Tuesday had the highest percentage over the period at roughly 20%. There is a striking thing that the figure for watchers on Wednesday registered dramatic downward trends which stood 16% to the lowest at approximately 9% in 2003 and 2007,
respectively
.

On Friday, the participation rate witnessed no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
which shared an equal percentage at exactly 30%. Following that, The proportion of Europe watchers on
Possible spelling mistake found.
saturday
underwent an increase from 40% in 2003 to the peak at 45% in 2005, prior to dropping by 4% in 2007.
Finally
, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
on Sunday experienced falling by 10%
in comparison
with the rate of one on Saturday.
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IELTS academic bar chart is concerning the proportion of European going to cinemas on each day of the week

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
204 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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