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bar chart about money spent on entertainment

bar chart about money spent on entertainment wOD8n
The bar graph demonstrates the amount of money that was spent on different things during the years from 1995 to 2000 in 3 locations around the world: Asia, Europe and the US. Overall, the United States was on the top of the other places in terms of expending on entertainment, while Europe and Asia came in the second and third in the same period. Spending money on cinema was uncommon for all three regions, but the American people put the most of expenditures on publishing. The United States spent on entertainment more than the other places, where during the five years period, the expenditure increased from 184 to 257, unlike Europe, which spent 97 in 1995 and 131 in 2000, and Asia with money amount raised just from 67 to 110 during the same period. In all three areas, spending on cinema was not popular with just around 10 to 20 of the money was spent on it. On the other hand, in the US, publishing was the most thing that the people preferred to spend on it, with expenditures more than about 100.
The bar graph demonstrates the amount of
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money
that was
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spent
on
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different
things during the years from 1995 to 2000 in 3 locations around the world: Asia, Europe and the US.

Overall
, the United States was on the top of the other places in terms of expending on entertainment, while Europe and Asia came in the second and third in the same period. Spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on cinema was uncommon for all three regions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the American
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
put the
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the expenditures") or simply say "most expenditures".
most of expenditures
on publishing.

The United States
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on entertainment more than the other places, where during the five years period, the expenditure increased from 184 to 257, unlike Europe, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
97 in 1995 and 131 in 2000, and Asia with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
amount raised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
from 67 to 110 during the same period.

In all three areas, spending on cinema was not popular with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
around 10 to 20 of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on it.
On the other hand
, in the US, publishing was the most thing that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
preferred to spend on it, with expenditures more than about 100.
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IELTS academic bar chart about money spent on entertainment

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
184 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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