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Average household expenditure in Japan and Malaysia in 2010

Average household expenditure in Japan and Malaysia in 2010 eeMWK
The pie charts show the proportion of money spent on various household expenses in Malaysia and Japan in 2010. We can see that in Malaysia the greatest proportion of expenditure (34%) was on housing,  while in Japan housing accounted for just 21% of the total.  In contrast, in Japan the greatest single expense was other goods and services at 29%,  compared with 26% in Malaysia. Food came in second place in Japan, at 24%, while in Malaysia the actual proportion was higher (27%). In Japan another major expense was transport, at 20%, but this was much lower In Malaysia (10%). In both countries the smallest percentage of expenditure was on health care. Overall, the data indicates that in both cases food, housing and other goods and services were the main expenses,  but that in Japan, transport and other goods and services took up a higher proportion of total expenditure than in Malaysia.
The pie charts
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show
the proportion of money spent on various household expenses in Malaysia and
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Japan
in 2010.

We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that in Malaysia the greatest proportion of expenditure (34%) was on housing,
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while in
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Japan
housing accounted for
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just
21% of the total.  
In contrast
, in
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Japan
the greatest single expense was other
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goods
and services at 29%,
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compared with 26% in Malaysia. Food came in second place in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, at 24%, while in Malaysia the actual proportion was higher (27%). In
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Japan
another major expense was transport, at 20%,
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but
this was much lower In Malaysia (10%). In both countries the smallest percentage of expenditure was on health care.

Overall
, the data indicates that in both cases food, housing and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services were the main expenses,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
 that in
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Japan
, transport and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services took up a higher proportion of total expenditure than in Malaysia.
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IELTS academic Average household expenditure in Japan and Malaysia in 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
135 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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