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Analizing a bar chart that captures the development of student numbers in Britain.

On this bar chart we can instantly see that part-time education predominates the numbers of men and women pursuing further education in Britain. Nevertheless there are some considerable differences between female and male students and also across time.  Firstly, the number of female students involved in part-time education increased sharply from 1970 until 1990, whereas the number of male students involved in part-time education follows a sidewards trend. Secondly, full-time education among women has experienced a big rise from 1970 until 1980. For the male group of full-time students this does not hold, although the upwards trend is more pronounced for them. Thirdly, a special remark should be made on the fact that in 1990 there are more female students than ever before and their mere number outweighs the male individuals in 1990. Considering that back in 1970, male students outnumbered the female students by approximately 200, this is a surprising development after all.
On this bar chart we can
instantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
predominates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women pursuing
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in Britain.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerable differences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and male
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students
and
also
across time.  
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
involved in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
increased
sharply
from 1970 until 1990, whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
involved in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
follows a
Possible spelling mistake found.
sidewards
trend.

Secondly
, full-time
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education
among women has experienced a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
rise from 1970 until 1980. For the male group of full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
this does not hold, although the upwards trend is more pronounced for them.

Thirdly
, a special remark should
be made
on the fact that in 1990 there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and their mere
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
outweighs the male individuals in 1990. Considering that back in 1970, male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
outnumbered the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by approximately 200, this is a surprising development
after all
.

IELTS academic Analizing a bar chart that captures the development of student numbers in Britain.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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