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Among the history women participation in the olympics games has increased Give information about it

Among the history women participation in the olympics games has increased Give information about it pReJm
The bar chart compares the number of male and female athletes who participated in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012. While the line graph provide data about the total number of participants who attended to the games during the same period. First of all, we can see that in 1924 only male competitors participated in the Olympics, 3000 overall. Female participation started in 1952 when around 350 women played. Since then this number rose ever more over the years. In fact, in the Olympics of 1985 there were around 1500 women playing. But it was in the Olympics of 2012 when the number of female participation rocket to 4700, just 1100 less than males. On the other hand, the total number of participants to the international event grew gradually from 1924 to 1984 by around 2000 athletes. Between 1984 and 2012 there was an abrupt increase of competitors, from 6300 in 1984 to 1500 in 2012. Overall, it is possible to see that more men played in the Olympics games than women over the years. In addition, the total number of participants increased gradually from 1924 to 2012.
The bar chart compares the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male and female athletes who participated in the Olympics from 1924 to 2012.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the line graph provide data about the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants who attended to the games during the same period.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that in 1924
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
male competitors participated in the Olympics, 3000
overall
. Female participation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
in 1952 when around 350 women played.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
then this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
rose ever more over the years. In fact, in the Olympics of 1985 there were around 1500 women playing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it was in the Olympics of 2012 when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of female participation rocket to 4700,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
1100 less than males.

On the other hand
, the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants to the international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
grew
gradually
from 1924 to 1984 by around 2000 athletes. Between 1984 and 2012 there was an abrupt increase of competitors, from 6300 in 1984 to 1500 in 2012.

Overall
, it is possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
played in the Olympics games than women over the years.
In addition
, the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants increased
gradually
from 1924 to 2012.
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IELTS academic Among the history women participation in the olympics games has increased Give information about it

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
188 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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