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Age, career, interest and help

Age, career, interest and help ABmQn
Out of the two bar graphs illustrated, the first graph represents the proportion of the students based on their age group who opt for study either for their interest or career. The other one gives the information about the support received by different age group from their employer in the terms of leaves and payment of fees. Overall as per the first graph, the young people are more career-oriented. However, their purpose for the study gradually shifts towards interest as they grow older. On the other hand, the latter graph gives the idea that the employers tend to provide their maximum support to young people ageing below 26 Firstly, the majority of the students which is 80% of them believe the education provides them with a better career opportunity. They are least oriented towards the study as a subject of their interest. 10% of such students go for study for their interest. However, there is a paradigm shift towards the purpose of the study as people grow older. A significant number of people continue their study as a subject of their interest rather than a career opportunity. Regarding the second graph, the highest proportion of the students who receive employee support are the students ageing below 26 more than 60% of such students enjoy leaves from work and financial assistance from their employers.
Out of the two bar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graphs
illustrated, the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
represents the proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their age group who opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
either for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
or career. The other one gives the information about the support received by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age group from their employer in the terms of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
and payment of fees.

Overall
as per the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
, the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more career-oriented.
However
, their purpose for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
gradually
shifts towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
as they grow older.
On the other hand
, the latter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
gives the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the employers tend to provide their maximum support to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
below 26

Firstly
, the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which is 80% of them believe the education provides them with a better career opportunity. They are least oriented towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
as a subject of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
. 10% of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for their interest.

However
, there is a paradigm shift towards the purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
grow older. A significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
as a subject of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
rather
than a career opportunity.

Regarding the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
, the highest proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who receive employee support are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
below 26 more than 60% of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enjoy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
from work and financial assistance from their employers.
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IELTS academic Age, career, interest and help

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
223 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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