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adults with overweight, double diagram

adults with overweight, double diagram mXAMO
These two graphs give some information around people who struggling with overweight. The bar chart depicts the percentage of excessively overweight adults for 6 decades whereas the pie chart illustrates a number of weights of the grown-up people in one year. It is clear that the society has become fatter and fatter among 50 years period between 1965 to 2015. On the one hand, we can see a slightly growth along 3 decades from 1965 to 1985; But on the other hand, after that the number of pudgy grown-up people increased significantly. The pie diagram refers to wide range of obese adults which depicts approximately a third of them were corpulent, also fat people was in the second place and a dangerous fattish got a tiny proportion. According to the type of overweight’s proportions, healthy and underweight ones had a smaller community, in which we should be concerned about measurements of increasing fattening.
These two graphs give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
information around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who struggling with overweight. The bar chart depicts the percentage of
excessively
overweight adults for 6 decades whereas the pie chart illustrates a number of weights of the grown-up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in one year.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the society has become fatter and fatter among 50 years period
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1965 and 2015".
between 1965 to 2015
. On the one hand, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a
You used an adverb ('slightly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('growth') instead of another adjective.
slightly growth
along 3 decades from 1965 to 1985;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
on the other hand
, after that the number of pudgy grown-up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increased
significantly
.

The pie diagram refers to wide range of obese adults which depicts approximately a third of them were corpulent,
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
was in the second place and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
Possible spelling mistake found.
fattish
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a tiny proportion. According to the type of overweight’s proportions, healthy and underweight ones had a smaller community, in which we should
be concerned
about measurements of increasing fattening.

IELTS academic adults with overweight, double diagram

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
153 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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