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Admissions of entertainment venue

Admissions of entertainment venue yR7GV
The bar charts showing the number of admissions at entertainment venue in year 2009. The graph gave information about the number of attendees may be influenced by the admission price to venues such as sports, theme parks and cinemas. Nearly 1, 000, 000 people come to cinema in year 2009 compared to the lowest number of attendees in venue for sports with approximately 100, 000 people. This is because the price for cinema for is the cheapest compared to the other sports. The main reason for the lower number of admissions for sports in that year must be influenced by the price of the football game which much more expensive than the other sports. However, the basketball and cricket game must be the most contributed games since these games are much more affordable. On the side notes, theme parks have recorded around 350, 000 number of attendees in that year. Even though it is quite expensive compared that the basketball game and football game, theme parks may be suitable for family and kids. That is why they maintained the reasonable number of admissions in that year. In a nutshell, affordable admission price is the most important in making sure the number of people attracted to the venues increasing in the future.
The bar charts showing the
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number
of
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admissions
at entertainment
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venue
in
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year
2009. The graph gave information about the
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number
of attendees may
be influenced
by the
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admission
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price
to
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venues
such as
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sports
, theme parks and cinemas.

Nearly
1, 000, 000
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to cinema in
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year
2009 compared to the lowest
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number
of attendees in
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venue
for
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sports
with approximately 100, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
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price
for cinema for is the cheapest compared to the other sports.

The main reason for the lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admissions
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be influenced
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
of the football game which much more expensive than the other
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sports
.
However
, the basketball and cricket game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be the most contributed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
since these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are much more affordable. On the side notes, theme parks have recorded around 350, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of attendees in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
Even though
it is quite expensive compared that the basketball game and football game, theme parks may be suitable for family and kids.
That is
why they maintained the reasonable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admissions
in that year.

In a nutshell, affordable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in making sure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
attracted to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venues
increasing in the future.
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IELTS academic Admissions of entertainment venue

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
211 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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