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A glance at the graph provided reveals some data concerning the proportion of people serving in varios branches in a particular place A and B between two years.(1960 and 2010)

A glance at the graph provided reveals some data concerning the proportion of people serving in varios branches in a particular place A and B between two years. (1960 and 2010) It is interesting to note that, the manufacturing in A group was higher than others, but in B group it was the lowest in the same years. Also, the sales were the reverse of that changes in the beginning of the period. As can be seen from the chart, the manufacturing was 29% and 64% between 1960 and 2010 respectively in A group. In 1960, the sales and services were 41% and 30% in turn whilst in 2010, they were 20% and 16% respectively. By stark contrast, the sales were 70% in 1960 and in 2010, they were 53% in B group. However, it was evident to write that the manufacturing was 10% and it changed to 25% during 1960 and 2010. And also, the services were 20% in 1960 and they saw a slow increase to 22% in 2010.
A glance at the graph provided reveals
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some
data concerning the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
serving in
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varios
branches in a particular place A and B between two years. (1960 and 2010)

It is interesting to note that, the manufacturing in A
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group
was higher than others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in B
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group
it was the lowest in the same years.
Also
, the sales were the reverse of that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the beginning of the period.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart, the manufacturing was 29% and 64% between 1960 and 2010
respectively
in A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. In 1960, the sales and services were 41% and 30% in turn whilst in 2010, they were 20% and 16%
respectively
.

By stark contrast, the sales were 70% in 1960 and in 2010, they were 53% in B
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
However
, it was evident to write that the manufacturing was
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
10% and
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to 25% during 1960 and 2010. And
also
, the services were 20% in
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
1960 and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a slow increase to 22% in 2010.
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IELTS academic A glance at the graph provided reveals some data concerning the proportion of people serving in varios branches in a particular place A and B between two years. (1960 and 2010)

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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